Friday, June 7, 2013

Another Friday Night. 2013, Watercolor

It sucks always feeling sick, and tired.  I miss going out with my friends in Brooklyn having some drinks and sharing a laugh.  I miss spontaneous, Nyc nights where you don't know whats going to happen but end up meeting cool people and having a wonderful time.  Summertime is hard when you are weak and sick.  I feel like the kid stuck, grounded in her room looking out the window at all the kids playing.  I am in bed most of the time.  When I'm feeling moderately up to getting out, I go for it!  Friends can't tell by looking at me but inside, my counts are really low and it can be dangerous for me to catch a cold because I barely have an immune system to fight anything off.  My body is always in pain.  When I go do something I have to take into account if I'll be able to sit down, which is a must.  I make sure I have ritalin, weed,  oxy, and some Ativan just to keep myself feeling stable.  I'm good at chilling out and going for little walks but i long for the day where i can ride a bike or go swimming again like I used to.  All my friends are busy gong to their jobs like a normal person.  My job they tell us at Sloan is literally trying to survive by doing chemo everyday.  It's a weird way to live, i think everyday on my ride over the Polaski bridge to the hospital.  Surreal that after 2 non stop cancer years its hard to see an end at the light of the tunnel anymore.  I don't make plans for my future anymore unless its a month at the most.  I am just grateful right now that my treatment is working.  Grateful for my friends and family keeping me going.   Hopeful about my artwork and having a voice about whats happened to me and does to so many others.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Legalize Medicinal Marijuana, NYC!!

The Best Medicine.  2013.  Watercolor

Before Chemo I didn't understand how horrible Nausea was.  I am constantly sick to my stomach and puking all the time.  I sleep with a barf bucket next to me and last year had to have a barf bag with me whenever i was in the car.  i have thrown up on the street, in parking lots,  in restaurants, at friend's and families houses, on myself.  I have thrown up while crying because i cant stop throwing up.  The worst is that unlike vomiting after a hangover, vomiting from chemo just makes you feel worse.  The nausea stays with you and after feeling sick to my stomach with no relief for over a week at a time it starts to make you crazy.  I take anti nausea pills like Ativan, Zofran, Compazine, Visiril, Marinol, etc.  These all work to an extent and then you gain a tolerance or the actual pill can make you puke.  The only thing that has truly relieved my nausea and has actually allowed me to eat is good old natural Marijuana.  It calms your stomach almost completely for the time you are high.  Not only that, but it relieves the bone and muscle aches that possess my body.  Lastst year I was so sick I could barely move and was left in bed to barf and think about how horrible i felt and looked and how much my life completely sucked.  Weed helped distract me.  It helped me paint and draw when i felt so uninspired by my surroundings and situation.  It would actually help me talk to my parents and sometimes even laugh.  in a way weed helped me really analyze what was happening to my life in almost therapeutic way.  Really make me think of things that i normally would not confront and push out of my mind.  
  I'm lucky I know the right hook ups because disgustingly NYC has still not passed Medicinal Marajuana yet.  Other states have: Alaska, Arizona, Califonia, Conneticut, Colorado, DC, Delaware, Hawaii, Maine,  Masachusetts, Michigan,  Montana, Nevada,  New Jersey,  New Mexico, New Hampshire, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington.
I think its really shitty that people that don't have cancer are making laws holding a medicine from us that real changes my quality of life.  I feel bad for kids i see with really square parents who believe the taboo against weed and won't let them have it and watch them get real poison in their bodies that makes them feel horrible and antidepressants along with a million other pills made all of chemicals.
You don't have to smoke gang.  I have a vaporizer that works wonderfully called the pax and can be brought wherever i want.  You can also cook weed and make delicious cookies, brownies, whatevs.  I have been putting hash oil in my soup.  I'm hoping the day comes soon when i will have a medical marijuana card and be able to pick out what kind i want or lollipops or tinctures.  I'd like to get pure, clean weed.  I'd like to pick the kind.  Sativa helps me a lot while Indica makes me too tired.  Till then I'll get it from the streets not really knowing whats in it but knowing it makes me feel hell of a lot better!!