It sucks always feeling sick, and tired. I miss going out with my friends in Brooklyn having some drinks and sharing a laugh. I miss spontaneous, Nyc nights where you don't know whats going to happen but end up meeting cool people and having a wonderful time. Summertime is hard when you are weak and sick. I feel like the kid stuck, grounded in her room looking out the window at all the kids playing. I am in bed most of the time. When I'm feeling moderately up to getting out, I go for it! Friends can't tell by looking at me but inside, my counts are really low and it can be dangerous for me to catch a cold because I barely have an immune system to fight anything off. My body is always in pain. When I go do something I have to take into account if I'll be able to sit down, which is a must. I make sure I have ritalin, weed, oxy, and some Ativan just to keep myself feeling stable. I'm good at chilling out and going for little walks but i long for the day where i can ride a bike or go swimming again like I used to. All my friends are busy gong to their jobs like a normal person. My job they tell us at Sloan is literally trying to survive by doing chemo everyday. It's a weird way to live, i think everyday on my ride over the Polaski bridge to the hospital. Surreal that after 2 non stop cancer years its hard to see an end at the light of the tunnel anymore. I don't make plans for my future anymore unless its a month at the most. I am just grateful right now that my treatment is working. Grateful for my friends and family keeping me going. Hopeful about my artwork and having a voice about whats happened to me and does to so many others.