Friday, June 7, 2013

Another Friday Night. 2013, Watercolor

It sucks always feeling sick, and tired.  I miss going out with my friends in Brooklyn having some drinks and sharing a laugh.  I miss spontaneous, Nyc nights where you don't know whats going to happen but end up meeting cool people and having a wonderful time.  Summertime is hard when you are weak and sick.  I feel like the kid stuck, grounded in her room looking out the window at all the kids playing.  I am in bed most of the time.  When I'm feeling moderately up to getting out, I go for it!  Friends can't tell by looking at me but inside, my counts are really low and it can be dangerous for me to catch a cold because I barely have an immune system to fight anything off.  My body is always in pain.  When I go do something I have to take into account if I'll be able to sit down, which is a must.  I make sure I have ritalin, weed,  oxy, and some Ativan just to keep myself feeling stable.  I'm good at chilling out and going for little walks but i long for the day where i can ride a bike or go swimming again like I used to.  All my friends are busy gong to their jobs like a normal person.  My job they tell us at Sloan is literally trying to survive by doing chemo everyday.  It's a weird way to live, i think everyday on my ride over the Polaski bridge to the hospital.  Surreal that after 2 non stop cancer years its hard to see an end at the light of the tunnel anymore.  I don't make plans for my future anymore unless its a month at the most.  I am just grateful right now that my treatment is working.  Grateful for my friends and family keeping me going.   Hopeful about my artwork and having a voice about whats happened to me and does to so many others.

59 comments:

  1. Hey Melissa - Just want to let you know I've been keeping up with your blog and even though we don't know each other, I'm thinking of you and hoping things are getting better for you. I look forward to reading your updates. Hope it is sunny in New York today. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sitting with my girlfriend reading this and we wanted you to know that we are sending you prayers and heaps of positive energy. Keep painting and know that people are cheering you on. We're in NY too, currently out of town working but are trying to come to your show on the 22nd. Strength and good energy - keep sharing your amazing light with all of us.

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    1. Thank you so much! I am so excited for the show! Can't believe its finally here! It will be so rewarding to meet people like yourself that might attend. Thank you for the positive words, it helps me keep doing what im doing.

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  3. I can totally relate too. As a 32 yrs old childhood cancer survivor, I have suffer the long term effects to my lungs. I am now tied to an oxygen tank 24/7. I miss the spontaneous stuff I'm no longer able to do. I miss going out with out at nights. I miss a lot of things and I miss out on a lot of things in life too. But what can you do. You keep moving forward.

    I'm sad to hear you're no longer here with us.

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