My dad came with me to my appointment for my scan results before chemo. As soon as we got the good news that my tumors have all a shrank and there is no evidence of new disease anywhere, we both could just breath. I haven't felt like crying from happiness in so long. It's so nice to not have to think about dying every other second like I have been since my relapse. Obviously, I have ANOTHER long, rough year ahead of me of chemo. Another fucking year! Jesus. I don't know if its going to keep working or what is going to happen to me but I will take this good news and run with it. Living the way I have the past 5 months has been extremely unbearable. This waiting game. Not having to watch my dad cry from misery and actually out of happiness makes everything worth it. I have so much guilt about what my disease has done to my parents lives.
Our art show looks like its going to be great. It's going to be on August 13th in Soho and the first official meeting besides me and Kaylin brainstorming has taken place. It's the structure that I need in my life that has been missing. I need a deadline. I need a point. I miss working. While all my friends go to work, I go to chemo. We have to pick a charity and I am pleased with how many people want to be a part of this. We have so much talent behind this show with so much to say about something so important.
I also have been trying to push myself to live as normal as possible. I went to a couple art shows, saw some old faces and met some new ones. It is going to be great to give old friends a good update instead of trying to avoid the inquiring questions of doom. I saw my old boss, Francesco Clemente, a couple times last week and had a great time hanging out like old times and talking about life, art, and India. It was nice to hear from him how much he loves the paintings I've been doing!! This coming from one of the best watercolorists in the world! I've sold almost all of them and am just feeling like they are starting to express what I want to say about my journey in this cancer hell. My self portraits aren't easy for me to do. It is very liberating but also makes me feel very vulnerable sharing them. I've been so isolated though and they have truly been brought to life because of this isolation. I want to make sure that they don't glamorize cancer and really express what its really like. Cancer is not pretty. I want others who are sick not to feel so alone and others who have no idea about cancer to feel like they do a little after looking at them. I have a lot more to work on for this show but am so excited for it! It's nice to get to feel excited about something again.