Thursday, May 16, 2013

  The sun shines brighter now that I've finally got a bit of good news.  For the past 5 months since I relapsed in January, something positive has happened.  After finding out the last chemo wasn't working and my tumors were growing, I started getting realistic and have thought a lot about my death. I couldn't handle the heartbreak of another disappointment so I went into this one trying to be prepared/ not getting my hopes up and detaching as much as possible.  Of course, I haven't been able to sleep and have had constant nightmares.   I didn't really feel like talking to anyone and have had major anxiety about these life or death results.

  My dad came with me to my appointment for my scan results before chemo.  As soon as we got the good news that my tumors have all a shrank and there is no evidence of new disease anywhere, we both could just breath.  I haven't felt like crying from happiness in so long.   It's so nice to not have to think about dying every other second like I have been since my relapse.  Obviously, I have ANOTHER long, rough year ahead of me of chemo.  Another fucking year!  Jesus.  I don't know if its going to keep working or what is going to happen to me but I will take this good news and run with it.  Living the way I have the past 5 months has been extremely unbearable.  This waiting game.  Not having to watch my dad cry from misery and actually out of happiness makes everything worth it.  I have so much guilt about what my disease has done to my parents lives.  

  Unfortunately,  cancer never lets you forget about how evil and powerful it is for too long.  Right after my good news,  I got bad news about my friend who just down the hall was fighting for his life.  Things had taken a turn for the worst for him and they even gave him the death talk.  Miraculously he has come out of it,  but seeing him in so much pain and so sick really puts things in perspective and I was glad to have gotten good news so that I could really believe it when I was telling him to not give up and that as long as their is a regimen plan, something can work.   Hope changes everything but becomes harder and harder to hang onto when you are repeatedly beaten down.   But you take any glimmer of it that you get and it keeps you going.   

  All the pain in my body and hardships resulting from my cancer that are getting worse at least right now don't seem as bad in comparison to having unstoppable tumors growing inside me..  It's not like I'm in remission or anything.  I just really thought nothing was going to work since nothing was.  I wrote my funeral down last weekend.  I thought every headache was the cancer spreading to my brain.  That's really where I was at.   Living like this for so long on these drugs and always being sick is a very hard life to live.   My nueropathy is getting bad my hands don't work well and I am losing my mind: I cant remember anything and it is affecting my life extremely.   Nevertheless,  I  feel like I'm appreciating life as much as I can, at least till the next scans in 3 months.

  Our art show looks like its going to be great.  It's going to be on August 13th in Soho and the first official meeting besides me and Kaylin brainstorming has taken place.  It's the structure that I need in my life that has been missing.  I need a deadline.  I need a point.  I miss working.  While all my friends go to work, I go to chemo.  We have to pick a charity and I am pleased with how many people want to be a part of this.  We have so much talent behind this show with so much to say about something so important.

 I also have been trying to push myself to live as normal as possible.   I went to a couple art shows,  saw some old faces and met some new ones.  It is going to be great to give old friends a good update instead of trying to avoid the inquiring questions of doom.  I saw my old boss, Francesco Clemente,  a couple times last week and had a great time hanging out like old times and talking about life, art, and India.   It was nice to hear from him how much he loves the paintings I've been doing!!  This coming from one of the best watercolorists in the world!  I've sold almost all of them and am just feeling like they are starting to express what I want to say about my journey in this cancer hell.  My self portraits aren't easy for me to do.  It is very liberating but also makes me feel very vulnerable sharing them.  I've been so isolated though and they have truly been brought to life because of this isolation.  I want to make sure that they don't glamorize cancer and really express what its really like.  Cancer is not pretty.  I want others who are sick not to feel so alone and others who have no idea about cancer to feel like they do a little after looking at them.  I have a lot more to work on for this show but am so excited for it!  It's nice to get to feel excited about something again.  


  1. So glad to hear/read the good news and that you are in a much better place. You remain a beautiful inspiration.

  2. Your bravery and strength is inspiring, hopefully I will be in NY this summer to be there. My mom and I are planning a trip to Brooklyn to see my brother Ben (the Singley's BF) I would love to meet you.

  3. hurray for good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. Melissa my dear you are truly an inspiration for us all not many have that courage to fight and get out of it that easily but you do have that balls and courage and I'm extremely jubilant. my brother is facing same savage trauma of cancer and he is quite devastated..I always lift his spirit by telling other people stories and blogs who are suffering cancer and not giving up it surely does helps him and I'm going share this one with him and Dr.Gasalberti of Sports Medicine Rehabilitation.I must say this blog is very useful