Life has been completely different since my relapse. For five months I have thought about my death a lot. The stress and depression of relapsing put me down to 99 lbs. I don't want to die but I see it all the time now. What makes me any different? Nothing. Cancer doesn't care. Why do some cancers leave you alone while others return with a vengeance? It certainly has nothing to do with Karma, or Religion, or age, or how good of a person you are. I see it with my own eyes everyday at the hospital. Yesterday at Sloan they had dresses and suits for all the kids in Peds for a hospital Prom. Many of them will never get a chance to go to their real one. It makes me feel fortunate that even though there is so much I want to do, I need to remember I have been lucky to have gotten to do a lot in my life. Relatively.
I dream of a day where I have long hair, can dance, not feel sick and exhausted all the time. I said goodbye to any dreams of having kids, getting married, or seeing 40 after my relapse. I do think Ewing's Sarcoma will get me in the end. I'm just hoping that If I keep staying alive, new drugs will keep coming up to extend my life as long as possible. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. Luckily, the chemo regimen I'm on now is shrinking my tumors. The last type of chemo I tried after my relapse did not work. I am elated this one is, but not stupid. I am only on my 3rd cycle out of 12. Each cycle everyday for 2 weeks for ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR. I don't know what will happen but I will live for the small moments of happiness and friendship and family and beauty as I know it. It's not ideal but it's all I got. I am more hopeful, for the first time since my relapse. I think, maybe I will get a chance to visit India again. Maybe I will date again. I don't know if it's going to bite me in the ass to have these hopes but I can't help it. For now, I am excited about my artwork and the exhibitions I will be a part of that will be coming up that are a very, very big deal to me. I'm getting the chance to tell my story the only way I know how and to reach others who might feel very alone, like I have. I know my work might seem like a bummer to a lot of people, but I'm showing cancer for what it is. I do not want to glamorize it. At the same time I want the viewer to end up feeling inspired and to have learned something. I'll be updating more about these shows soon. I'll be going into my 3rd year battling this bastard of a cancer. I can't believe it. That is a long ass time living like this. Is it living?.....not sure. There should probably be some other word for what is I'm doing, but I'm still here.