Monday, May 28, 2012

hi everyone, I, once again, am stuck in the hospital. Another neutropenic fever. ive been in bed for about 2 weeks since my 16th chemo cycle. One more left!! No more red devil! woooh woooh!

 I've been pretty depressed, the last cycles have been brutal, each one worst than the last. my body feels so week and i physically and mentally am falling apart. Thank god i only have one left-thats all ive got left in me. The treatment ive been on is especially aggressive. luckily my tumors have all shrank and my scans look good. I have a big surgery after which i really dont feel like thinking about until the chemos over. i cant handle thinking about that right now. i feel like ive seen how dark life can be and have really been shaken by it.

 When im sick im very angry, lonely, and depressed. the times i feel ok and make it to nyc to see my friends has been so valuable to me. i barely made it to one of my best friends wedding last time. i am so happy i did though, it was very beautiful and very fun. It is hard to see pictures of them all cannon balling into swimming pools and bbqing today as its memorial day weekend. i long for summer so much. im so sick of being inside all the time. i pretty much missed the last one because thats when all this shit started. There are so any things i want to do immediately. i need a vacation from my life and then i need to start living again.
 some random things i want to do:
 go tubing in the delaware river
celebrate the 4th of july havent in 3 yrs due to illness
 visit my sister in san diego
 trip to l.a.
trip to new orleans
puerto rico in oct. with all my friends
amsterdam and berlin
 south africa
my birthday
grow hair!!!
 have an art show
 go back to school
 look more into my spirtuality
 learn more
 be happy
be healthy
 go swimming!!!!!
 swim with dolphins
 art therapy
grow as an artist
more compassionate
 see Moonrise Kingdom
see the Alice Neel work up at David Zwirner Gallery
buy some summer clothes
not throw up all the time
 not be so tired all the time= be fun again!!!
not have to wait in waiting rooms all the time
theres a lot more i want in life but some of those things are more unplanned that are kind of out of my control and more left up to fate and the stars

 here is a list of things i wanted to achieve this year that I wrote down last July 2, 2011. i had just started chemo:
 Love myself/life
 paint/draw: new direction in work
find beauty and love in others
 new strength i never knew i had
what others think of you doesn't matter
 learn to play instrument
 read a lot of books
watch a lot of great movies
 keep a journal/blog?
keep a sense of humor
realize that in a way this was a good thing
 keep in mind its not forever
 build stronger relationships don't put up with bullshit!!!
go to the beach
 ride on the motorcyle as much as possible
 keep in touch with everybody
make new friends
grow up
don't sweat the small stuff
 i think i pretty much achieved everything although i wasn't aware yet at how difficult chemo would be. It was definitely more horrible than i ever could have imagined. having cancer is more horrible than i could have imagined. im on tons of medication right now and can only tpe with one hand from the iv pain so i have to end here