Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sick of being me

I haven't written in a long time. I have been through a lot. I've done 13 cycles of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation. I still have 4 more and surgery. Cancer has totally consumed my life. I've spent Xmas as sick as can be in the hospital but made sure iI had an amazing New Years in ny. I've spent a lot of time with my grandma. Ive missed friends bdays, wedding showers, parties, etc. I've cried, I've laughed, I've had my heart melt and I've had it bruised. I've wanted to die at times but I've also been optimistic and have had amazing times and conversations with people. I've been touched by people's hearts, I've also been extremely disappointed. I've decided I want to become an Art Therapist after this and am going to go back to school so that someday i can help others. I've also decided on going on a trip to costa rica. None of this can happen till I'm cancer free which will hopefully be soon. I have scans in April to see how eveythings going and then plan the surgeries.

Right now, unfortunately, I am feeling pretty sad. I am in ny and physically feeling not so bad but mentally feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I am surrounded by amazing friends in the city I love but have never felt so alone. It's hard to see everybody else living life. I'm almost done and it is springtime and I want to live again. I feel like I'll never catch up with everybody. Everyone I know is doing amazing things, work, traveling, relationships, engagements, marriage, babies and all I can do is watch. I'm happy for everyone but I'm scared I'll never get a chance at any of these. That I've missed my mark because of this bullshit year. Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed. I feel like nothing ever comes easy to me. There's always a catch. If something good happens it's always taken away. Just let me have at least one of these happy life moments. I feel like I have nothing and that no one understands. How could they? Its hard hearing friends complain about their jobs, love lives, excessive traveling mishaps when I would love to have these kind of problems. It's hard having the phone calls dwindle down. People are used to me having cancer.

I was recently told that if they have to do radiation on my lymph nodes after surgery i may never be able to have kids. This is really sad to me because i think I'd be a stellar mom some day. I don't even feel like a girl right now more like a creature. I don't even look at the opposite sex when I go out. I dont want to let anyone in. At the beginning of chemo, there was a guy that was per suing me that seemed very sweet. Once i told him I had just found out about the cancer I never heard from him again. It suprising who stands up to plate and who can't handle it. I'm glad he did me the favor of realizing he couldn't before getting involved and backing out. I don't blame him, it's a pretty intense situation. I hope someone will really be to handle me and all this cancer baggage someday.

have chemo brain and not only can I not remember anything I also think things have happened that never did. I can't read or concentrate. I feel like I'm going insane in the membrane.

I'm sorry I'm being negative but my heart hurts. I'm sinking a little. I'm sick of being in this hellish limbo. I'm sad that cancer exists and that I had to be part of it. I'm sad for all the people in the hospital. I'm sad for bald babies with that chemo, miserable, dead look in their eye. I'm sad for people that die and know their going to die. I'm sad when the chemo room is packed. Im sad when im too sick to walk and have to be in a wheelchair. I'm sad for my poor parents, I'm sad that life is so cruel to some. I will never know why and I guess I'm having trouble coming to terms with how unfair life is. I know everyone has their battles but it seems like some people have it worse than others for no reason. I used to believe in karma. That if u treated others well life would be good to you. I don't think I was a bad person before this so what the fuck?

I don't think I'll ever be "normal" again. I feel traumatized. I could never put into words the emotions ive gone through, the thoughts ive had the things that I've seen. This year has been too much. I feel very different than everybody else.. I Have no energy for people that are all talk anymore. I cannot suffer Fools almost to a fault. But I also feel more compassionate to others and can see beauty in most people. Im worried that people see me as that "cancer girl". Theres a lot more to me. What will they think of me after? Its weird knowing that people know and are intrigued by my disease. Its weird when u can tell it makes some people uncomfortable. How you can take your wig off to some people but others freak out. All i can do is be Very open about it. But Even dressed up with wig and makeup and looking relatively good i don't really feel completey myself. I feel like i have this weird secret that can make me feel a little insecure. I've never liked to think about cancer before this because it scared me. It still scares me but I do feel like I am a better person for witnessing and living the pain that so many silent sufferers go through. If anything it builds character.

I'm feeling pretty bad about myself and things right now but not all the time. Its hard but i know i am a good person and a loyal, sympathetic, fun person and hopefully things will get better with my life. I've grown up so much this year. I've learned that you can't judge people because u never know what someones gone through in life. I've learned u can't expect good things to happen to you just because you "deserve" it. I've learned that people can surprise you. The rest of the week I've been pretty happy seeing friends and enjoying the weather. I went to a BBQ yesterday and laughed the whole time with friends. I met a bunch of cool genuine people too. I have a new friend that had the same cancer I have and beat it. She in an inspiration and makes me feel so not crazy when I talk to her. I'm really glad she's my new friend. We have so much in common. I'm glad I figured out what I want to do with my life. It only took me 29 years! I think I would be a great art therapist.. I really need to turn lemons into lemonade. I have to or What has been the point to all this? There's no way I could turn my cheek to the disease and want to help others. I have to get a few phycology electives and then I'll apply to grad schools. I'm actually really excited about this revelation and life plan!