Friday, November 11, 2011

hi, I've been pretty busy was in nyc for a week for Halloween then had chemo again where i was really sick like usual and depressed. didn't really feel like talking or thinking about cancer. after fighting off another fever last night i went to the hospital today for fluids and to get my foot molded for radiation... that's right starting after thanksgiving i have to start radiation which seems like no problem compared to chemo but its everyday for 6 weeks in a row. I was really upset when i found out because this means i wont be in NY that much during my favorite time of the year. i already miss out on so many things and now I'm going to miss out on all the holiday parties and probably feeling pretty lonely. ill have weekends off so the ones I'm not sick on ill have to make the most of.

so ya, radiation that's what all the docs decided on since surgery would result in amputation of 3 of my toes. Today was kind of interesting actually. this guy made a mold of my foot and i felt like i was in art school again. He used some weird grid like material that was hammered into a long board so that every time i go my foot will be in the same spot. there were molds of other peoples heads all around the room which were creepy, sad, scary, and interesting. mine is a little "Cinderella slipper" as one of the radiology Dr's called it. next they tattooed 4 dots into my foot to mark where the radiation will go in. my foot would not stop bleeding from the tattoos because my skin doesn't heal.

i know this post is not as emotional but Ive had an emotional two weeks. last night i was puking and crying at the same time with a fever. its so nice to finally not feel nausea's for the first time in two weeks. I'm hurrying back to NYC asap . i have a new apartment that i have to unpack at and I'm going to the Poconos for my friend Jill's birthday. theres going to be at least 17 people there and they are literally all couples!!! it'll be fun though it be nice just to be around friends. I'm just worried that i wont be that much fun if I'm tired or whatever.

Ive been trying to paint and am trying to make this an inspiring life situation but i work better when I'm happy. Ive always been like that no depression inspired blue periods for me. i have been drawing and using watercolors more and thinking about subjects and concepts other than portraiture. i have a few ideas but not sure what medium i want to use. i need to get my supplies to NH. whenever i have taken a break from creating i get really depressed. so you can imagine the double dose of depression I'm dealing with. i know i just need to do it and create but its hard to have the enthusiasm and energy when your sick.

my friend Rica just visited Frida Kahlo and Diego Riviera's house, studios. Their studios are amazingly beautiful. Frida had a bad back from sickness and a trolley accident so she painted from bed a lot. You can go see her bed which has a mirror on the top of it so she could do her self portraits while lying down. This is more inspiring to me than its ever been. i need to use this time as a blessing to paint. my friend said he'd take me to their studios in Mexico city next yr!! his brother has a place their and i want to see all the Aztec ruins. next year im going to try to go on a bunch of vacations. im also going to go to Malaga spain maybe with the fam next year, my uncle has a villa there. This is where Picassos from. i also want to go to Barcelona and Madrid and a relaxing tropical vacation with a bunch of friends.

anyway not much else its been another rough one but thank you to everyones thats called, texted, sent presents; its really nice. and really touches m each time. i know im not the most fun person in the world when im sick. i feel like it can be depressing to talk to me and deal with me but it means a lot and usually cheers me up a lot. Ever body sees me when im feeling good and laughing and wearing a wig and they dont really know how bad it gets here in nh. not a pretty picture. its like living two lives. or having an alter ego. unfortunately chemos starting to effect me more in ny than it used to. im more tired and weak now. its a rough town to be weak like this in.

anyway this is my last trip before i start radiation where i will barely be there for a month and a half. it still makes me sad that im going to miss all the holiday fun with friends....

Anyway i watched the Hours with nicole kidman as virginia wolf and really really liked it. I liked how it was three diffrent stories of these women at different times based on a book by the writer who is also one of three women the movie is about. i also really like ed harris, and everyone was really good in it even the little boy was really good. two thumbs up!! but don't take my word for it..

anyway heres a pic of my bald head world!!ahhhhhh